I don't blog as much as I'd like to, and when I do, I don't do it on LiveJournal anymore. While I still use my LJ to follow others, you're welcome to follow me and my sporadic thoughts at my hopefully final blogging place:

september

Hope to see you there. :)

You sit up from bed, though all you want to do is lay down, because the wine you had after dinner isn't sitting well in your stomach. And you feel your throat tighten a bit, just enough so you know that it isn't how it normally is, and you worry because you think that you might vomit. And you worry because aside from purging all that you ate, you worry that you'll vomit all the thoughts you've kept behind your teeth. All the words you kept hidden beneath your tongue. And you can't do that. You can't just let go. These are things that once swallowed, must not come out. These are things that must not see the light of day: your food, half digested, your thoughts, half chewed, your words, swimming in bile.

In about an hour, I will be setting off with my parents for a 6 day stay in our province, Bicol. Though this is technically my last week of summer before senior term starts, I'm somewhat thankful for it. With all the craziness that's been happening, I'll finally have some time to collect myself. I just hope I'll be left alone enough so I can do my own things, if even for just a bit. There are things I wish to read, things I want to write, and things I need to think about.

what am I doing?

I've been obsessed with, I wouldn't call it cleaning, but clearing out. I've been purging like crazy; my phonebook, my Facebook account, my Yahoo Messenger list, my closet. I want to get rid of all these extra things I don't need, like baggage. I'm tempted to start clean slate. But I won't, I can't get rid of everything, I know that. There are cobwebs inside me that I need to sweep out somehow. Skeletons in my closet I need to unearth. Things I need to let go of. Issues, issues.

Was eat (more than usual; I feel like stuffing my face), and sleep (too much), and type, and listen to music, and

get back pains, heartaches and drawn out thoughts.

I also had a dream. I remember walking through a field with a guy, though I don't remember who he was, or if I knew him. We were at a high altitude; it was foggy and cold and windy. Around us were old stone houses, mostly abandoned and ruined. There were small stone walls we had to jump over. We came upon this one house that was occupied; there was white smoke coming from the roof. The doors and the windows were open. We walked into the kitchen, and the guy I was with walked out one of the doors and approached someone outside. The next thing I knew, we were walking again, but the buildings around us were modern. It was like we were in an industrial plant. Everything was gray and cement. We walked in alleys and behind buildings, until we came to this one building made of glass. We took the elevator to one of the upper floors, but it looked like it wasn't done yet, and the rooms were closed off and things were scattered on the floor and hanging from the ceiling. Then we were in a grocery store, and there was a stand with fruit cups and I opened one and started eating it. Then I was a princess in a wedding gown, wearing a gas mask, being chased by soldiers that looked like Stormtroopers in gray and black. One of them knocked off my gas mask and I fainted and aaaaa my dreams are so weird

It was night. I dreamed of Ateneo, of creeping on campus, finding places to hide and make out with a boy whose face I can't remember. It was night. I dreamed of a dense forest with tall pine trees that chased me, bowing down to the sea of fallen leaves and doing strange cartwheels in their pursuit. It was night. I dreamed of running away, to a party in the middle of nowhere. I dreamed I stayed up all night, even though I was asleep.

I am being unfair on a paramount level.

Despite claiming to be awesome all the time, I have never thought myself to be worth all the attention I tend to get.

More people who need to take care of themselves. More people to take care of.